Un-Suffering

Our parents, by what they DON’T give us, choose our suffering.

One of my favorite psychological discoveries is Gary Chapman’s theory of the 5 Love Languages. In short, his theory says that human beings are sort of these love creatures. Wired and engineered to give and receive love. With the right kind of love, we thrive. Without such, we slowly lose vitality and our psychic-wellness. 

Moreover, not everyone needs love in the same way as our neighbor. Each of us has different needs. This is where the 5 Love Languages come in: 

• - Quality Time
• - Gifts
• - Acts of Service
• - Physical Touch
• - Words of Affirmation

These languages, and I am going to challenge this idea today, are typically understood to be innocent, randomly assigned, ways of communicating love that each individual may just happen to have a preference for.

“My love language is physical touch. I need my hugs.” 

“Mine is quality time. That’s how I know someone cares.”

“Me? I need gifts to feel appreciated.”

However, what if, and this is also a theory, our love languages, instead of simply being innocent and randomly assigned love preferences, are actually a revelation of what we needed but did not receive from our caregivers as children? Maybe our languages reveal the gaping void within our hungry hearts. Furthermore, our love language reveals something like our destiny. What we will end up searching for much of our adult lives.

I call it our “Un-suffering”.

This then, is un-suffering:

As children, because our parents were human, imperfect, and dealing with their own lack, we had very important aspects of love withheld from us. Perhaps a parent was always busy working and left us home with no one to connect and spend time with. Quality Time is our void. 

Physical affection was rare in the family. Handshakes instead of hugs, if any affection at all. Void: Physical Touch.

“In the broken dynamics of our home, mom & dad had very little affirming things to say to us as kids. Quite the opposite in fact. Nothing we accomplished was ever quite good enough.” Void: Words of Affirmation.

And so on..

What we lacked from childhood becomes the source of our sufferings as teens and adults. We tend to use something out there in the world as a means to compensate for what we lack.

One lacking affirmation may seek high societal status. Craving compliments, admiration and respect from peers. 

Another, needing quality time or touch, may crave close friendships and romantic relationships instead.

One may be particularly annoyed at the lack of thought & effort behind a disappointing birthday gift.

Or find an especial liking for those who help around the house, or offer to help pay for our gas on a long trip. 

Without this void filled, we suffer. Our purpose is denied. Our hopes crushed. We must then, logically, un-suffer. 

We must undo the tragedy. Chase, with much perseverance, what it is in the world that can undo our loss. And rewrite our disappointment.

If a future society were to offer love as a reward for collecting old pennies, then it wouldn’t be long before such a frivolous task would be the center of our dreams and highest ambitions.

What our parents once failed to give, we as adults, relentlessly pursue for ourselves.

This becomes our destiny.

This becomes our un-suffering.